Marriage and Sex
I was just thinking about marriages. If you love someone, marriage is something you will be looking forward to in some years from now with a lot of desire and hope. It seems like a natural progression after all the lovely moments you have shared together and all the times your one and only has faced your turbulent times with you, without ever flinching or complaining. Marriage is an institution that gives a sense of security and also provides a direction to your life. You know that in a few years you will be having kids and you have to plan for their education, financial security etc. Both of you work day in and day out to make your dream of a comfortable and safe world for you and your children come true.
But guys, what about SEX? When you were a bachelor, sex was a different thing altogether. Some of you were not totally committed, you got your opportunities and you bagged them without fail. But now the situation has become different. You have married and have complicated the equation. Marriage means that you have a relationship that is both domestic and sexual. You have a spouse with whom you have to share the daily problems and anxieties of life as well as practice and ‘enjoy’ sex all your life. Now, a pre requisite for great sex is passion and passion comes from uncertainty. But here you have a situation wherein your life is set in a daily routine. Routine is an antithesis of passion. So what about sex?
I am not saying that sex in a marriage is not interesting. Sex in marriage can be good and very satisfying but maybe you ‘make love’ after marriage more often than having ‘hot steamy sex’. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that passion completely dies after you get married but it’s not like you want to rip your clothes off for somebody that you’re sleeping with for the 1,057th time! C’mon! Think about it practically and be realistic guys. Expecting that sex will be sizzling with your spouse 27 years after your marriage is asking for too much.
Now there is a lot of confusion. If you feel sexual boredom in marriage, society assumes that there is a problem somewhere in marriage. But there is this other guy or gal that you are totally attracted to. You want to sleep with him or her even though you love your spouse very much. If you give in to the temptation, you become a member of the Infidel Club and your reputation is totally ruined in the society; if you don’t, you live your life in a state of constant desperation that you can’t even speak about.
Sometimes I feel sex has become a be all and end all of a sacred and much more deeper relationship called marriage. Rather than being an exercise of sharing one’s life with the other, our possessiveness has made marriage an exercise where two people try to own each other. Because of this people associate sex outside marriage with abandonment and loss of a love affair between two people. Had monogamy not been given so much importance in marriage and marriage would have been let to be more a union of two minds than bodies, we would have had a different situation altogether.
But again when you think of it, I don’t think polygamy would have given us the happy families that we all have today. By being monogamous we are able to ensure a steady, happy and safe environment for our kids and spouse. Had we not been monogamous, we would have ended up with broken families and an insecure directionless generation just for the sake of some physical satisfaction that many of us can do without. It seems for once that curbing our sexual desires and not being too open-minded has served us well in our quest for a meaningful life. What do you think?
Hi Deepansh,
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Hi Deepansh,
Ur article is extremely insightful and talks about something that we are dealing with in our everyday life, but we are unable to come out open to talk about it. I completely agree with you on the facet that this “boring” monogamy has gifted us happy families which would have been an illusion in the realms of polygamy. Moreover, I feel that a marriage is also about a lot of trust and a lot of passion. When we spend those intimate moments with our spouse and we tend to do the same thing with somebody else, I think the trust gets breached. And it is not healthy for a long lasting relationship. But again, I feel its about priorities one have in his/her life and those priorities can be anything.
Anyway, I think this is extremely well articulated and cheers to u deeps….!!!! keep it up….
@ Debojyoti Banerjee
Thank you for reading and responding dada. Even i feel that trust is very important in a relationship. But if after your marriage, you find yourself fantasizing about this other woman what will you do? It will be a very tough decision to make i guess. And i dont think marriage is about a lot of passion. I feel it brings stability and calmness in the otherwise turbulent world. Passion is different.
Deepansh… A frank and honest post!
The fact is, as un-married people (!), there are a lot of doubts we have.
Would we be tempted to try our hands at infidelity?
Will the romance in marriage fizzle out?
Does that mean the marriage is a failure?
And you have given words to the thoughts most us go through, but few of us dare to ask.
I guess we will find answers to this post-marriage. Some years down the line, you could write
another post addressing your concerns!
Havent we all thot of wat u have written here and kept our opinions to ourseleves?? infidelity issues are alwayz the hot topics for the wrong reasons. after readin Zahir by paulo coelho and osho’s book on woman, i really understand why people luk beyond their marriage! sometime it takes infidelity to realize how much you value ur own spouse! how u take it depends on how maturely u can think about it!
@ Vinitha
I hope i am in a position to write another post like this one without my wife gunning for my head!
@Mercy
Hey you are so right. I never thought about it that way! Sometimes it may take infidelity to realize how much you value your own spouse. Bill and Hillary Clinton’s example is probably the best one to understand it. I just admire the courage of that woman. man she is tough.
Hi deeps
A very honest and well thought post….
We never give this issue a serious thought, specifically in a society like ours topics like this raise fingers towards your integrity and faithfulness. Post gives us something to ponder upon the opportunity cost of a successful marriage. So keep it up and looking forward to your next……
Hi
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I think that making love is somewhat boring to most men, so my take is that we should continuously mix it up. I beleieve the danger is in monotony. I am the type of person that gets bored very easy and there is nothing that can kill my spirit more than some boring sex. So it it the responsibility of both sides to put in some type of effort. Excellent post and I look forward to hearing some more.